Story of the Day: Husband takes the wife to her high school reunion...
After meeting several of her friends and former school mates, they are sitting at a table where he is ready to leave, yawning and overly bored.
The band cranks up and people are beginning to dance. There's a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing, moon walking, back flips, buying drinks for people, the works.
Wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."
Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!” (Submitted by Terry (Waters) Richardson)
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Tip of the Day: Chocolate comes from cocoa which is a tree ... that makes it a plant which means ... chocolate is Salad !!!
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After meeting several of her friends and former school mates, they are sitting at a table where he is ready to leave, yawning and overly bored.
The band cranks up and people are beginning to dance. There's a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing, moon walking, back flips, buying drinks for people, the works.
Wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."
Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!” (Submitted by Terry (Waters) Richardson)
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Tip of the Day: Chocolate comes from cocoa which is a tree ... that makes it a plant which means ... chocolate is Salad !!!
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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Tips of the Day:
1. TO AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES, GET SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
2. GUYS, TO AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT- USE THE SINK.
3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. [REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.]
4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES - YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
6. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
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1. TO AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES, GET SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
2. GUYS, TO AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT- USE THE SINK.
3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. [REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.]
4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES - YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
6. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
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Humor for the day: Today's CHS class of "60" Lady Grads (LOL)
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click here to watch video |
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Tip of the Day: Both Jane Flickinger and Terry Richardson submitted this video (at the right side of this screen) for your consideration. (They both ordered two cases of the product and will let us know if it works as advertised.)
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Click here to watch video |
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Tip of the Day: Guys, you probably are all aware of and have heard these often used terms by our wives – just wanting to give you the actual meanings:
NINE WORDS WOMEN USE
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they think they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'. that will bring on a 'whatever').
(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F--- YOU!
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.
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NINE WORDS WOMEN USE
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they think they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'. that will bring on a 'whatever').
(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F--- YOU!
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.
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Aphorism of the Day: True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.
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submitted by Ken Mayer
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Aphorism of the Day: I don't like making plans for the day because then the word "premeditated" get's thrown around in the courtroom.
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Aphorism of the Day: I don't like making plans for the day because then the word "premeditated" get's thrown around in the courtroom.
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-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Tip of the Day: Cocoa beans are good for you. It's the best feel good vegetable around! I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions about food and diets. Have a cookie... flour is a veggie!
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---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Tip of the Day: I know at our age, I shouldn't joke about this, but... make your last words to your kids before you die... "I Left a Million Dollars Under the..."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Holiday Diet: The following diet is designed to help you cope with the stress, paranoia, depression and delusion that builds during the holidays...
Breakfast:
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Holiday Diet: The following diet is designed to help you cope with the stress, paranoia, depression and delusion that builds during the holidays...
Breakfast:
- 1/2 grapefruit
- 1 slice whole wheat toast
- 8 oz. skim milk
- 4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast
- 1 cup steamed spinach
- 1 cup herb tea
- 1 Oreo cookie
- The rest of Oreos in the package
- 2 pints Rocky Road ice cream, nuts, cherries and whipped cream
- 1 jar hot fudge sauce
- 2 loaves garlic bread
- 4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke
- 1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza
- 3 Snickers bars
- Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer)
Tip of the Day: For the husband in a marriage...Rule #1 - you're wrong
Rule #2 - when in doubt as to who is wrong, see Rule #1.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Aphorism of the Day: The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they passed.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Truism of the Day: "Vegetarian" is an old Indian word that means "bad hunter"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Truism of the Day: (Submitted by Doug Staples and Jane Flickinger) Our generation were HOME SCHOOLED in many ways.
1. My mother taught me to APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My father taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck,
you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My father taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out ..."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it from your father when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My father taught me HUMOUR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand.
25. My father taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
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Rule #2 - when in doubt as to who is wrong, see Rule #1.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Aphorism of the Day: The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they passed.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Truism of the Day: "Vegetarian" is an old Indian word that means "bad hunter"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Truism of the Day: (Submitted by Doug Staples and Jane Flickinger) Our generation were HOME SCHOOLED in many ways.
1. My mother taught me to APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My father taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck,
you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My father taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out ..."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it from your father when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My father taught me HUMOUR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand.
25. My father taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
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Truism of the Day: You never appreciate what you have until it's gone...toilet paper is a good example!!!
.---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Tip of the Day: You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.
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.---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Tip of the Day: You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.
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Tip of the Day: A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.
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Tip of the Day: (submitted by Jane (Whittemore) Flickinger) You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably angry.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Tip of the Day: That Your Drive-through Order is "To Go".
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Tip of the Day: If a woman is upset, hold her and tell her how beautiful she is. If she starts to growl, retreat to a safe distance and throw chocolate at her.
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Tip of the Day: there are two rules for success: #1. Never tell anyone everything you know.
#2. duh...see rule #1.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Terry (Waters) Richardson doesn't want to make anyone jealous...but she can still fit into the earrings she wore in high school!!!
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Tip of the Day: Chocolate can make your clothes shrink!!!
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Tip of the Day: (submitted by Jane (Whittemore) Flickinger) You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably angry.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Tip of the Day: That Your Drive-through Order is "To Go".
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Tip of the Day: If a woman is upset, hold her and tell her how beautiful she is. If she starts to growl, retreat to a safe distance and throw chocolate at her.
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Tip of the Day: there are two rules for success: #1. Never tell anyone everything you know.
#2. duh...see rule #1.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Terry (Waters) Richardson doesn't want to make anyone jealous...but she can still fit into the earrings she wore in high school!!!
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Tip of the Day: Chocolate can make your clothes shrink!!!
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They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high.
The widower throwing admiring glances across the table. The widow smiling coyly back at him.
Finally, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes,..... yes I will!"
The evening ended on a happy note for the widower. But the next morning he was troubled.
Did she say “Yes” or did she say “No?”
He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank. He remembered asking the question but for the life of him could not recall her response. With fear and trepidation he picked up the phone and called her.
First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening. As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her. "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say “Yes” or did you say “No?”
"Why you silly man, I said ‘Yes. Yes I will.’ And I meant it with all my heart."
The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.
Then she continued. "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't remember who asked me!”
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The widower throwing admiring glances across the table. The widow smiling coyly back at him.
Finally, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes,..... yes I will!"
The evening ended on a happy note for the widower. But the next morning he was troubled.
Did she say “Yes” or did she say “No?”
He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank. He remembered asking the question but for the life of him could not recall her response. With fear and trepidation he picked up the phone and called her.
First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening. As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her. "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say “Yes” or did you say “No?”
"Why you silly man, I said ‘Yes. Yes I will.’ And I meant it with all my heart."
The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.
Then she continued. "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't remember who asked me!”
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